


could've picked me

by leafykeith



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, In a way, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Platonic Soulmates, Post-Canon Fix-It, Therapy, Trans Michael Mell, When I figure it out, friends to strangers, jeremy is in love with christine, kind of, that's for jenna and michael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 12:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15685227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leafykeith/pseuds/leafykeith
Summary: thinking theres nothing left to saymaybe i should just walk awayi get it but forget it im not wasting my timesooner or later you'll realizeyou could've picked meor,the kids try to cope with healing and stupid teenage love.





	could've picked me

**Author's Note:**

> i spent so long on this but finally finished it instead of working on my fuckin hero au.  
> i dont care i just wanted to write something and this went in different directions without asking me, the author, if that's what i wanted

it seemed like everyone had a happy ending. christine had forgiven jeremy for nearly destroying everyone’s life just to get her attention, and no one outside of their newly founded friend group knew about the squip incident.

so, yeah, happy ending.

chloe and brooke had found comfort in each other, hands intertwined when they watched the sunset bleed across the sky, a cup of frozen yogurt next to them, unfinished with too many topping, heartbeats in sync, deep breaths let out from when they felt they had to hold it in, leaning into each other, soft apologies on the tip of chloe’s tongue that brooke stopped, lips pressing together, chloe breathing out _im so sorry that i treated you like that please don’t leave me_ as brooke braided her hair, soft tugs on her hair anchoring her, reminding her that people are allowed to change, are allowed to become better people, are allowed to realize their own toxic behavior, and as brooke pressed kisses onto her forehead, she let herself forget who she used to be in the past.

jenna had found comfort in her blog, letting her feelings spill out in a vague way, attracting the attention of people who had been hurt or used, and clawed her way out of toxic friendships, preferring to be alone if the only other option was being around someone who used to order her around, even if they were different people now, searching for who she was now in the silence that followed her into her room, the stars in the sky and the moon at night being the ones who listened to her on nights that she felt most alone, echos of her insecurities coming in waves.

rich had found comfort in therapy, someone who had a squip before and knew what it was like to have a voice in your head, and he eventually stopped rubbing at his skin when he was nervous, trying to cover his burn marks, done with using cosmetics to attempt to hide them, although he stopped used muscle shirts as much, unable to truly return to who he was before, but his therapist assured him that it was okay to not be the same, he would never be the same, but that was just because of time, he had to find his new self, the person that his past self would be proud of becoming.

jake and christine had found comfort in each other, much to the surprise of everyone. she had agreed to lunch with jeremy, but after they got a text from rich, they had all raced to the hospital to see if jake was okay. he had fallen, crutches that he never got used to unable to protect him, and he was accepting of the wheelchair the nurse had brought into his room. when everyone else was leaving, christine refused to, taking a seat next to him, insisting she wanted to stay, just to talk, maybe to clear the air between them. they talked for hours, and jake explained his original intentions with her, but the incident had changed them, hissing voices in their heads revealing who they were, and he begged for another chance, just to be her friend, even if he was undeserving of it. she had accepted, always seeing the good in people, always seeing the potential of greatness, always wanting the world to be a better place, and if that’s what jake was promising, then she would gladly accept. she found comfort in his company, quiet afternoons spent when he watched the clubs he used to participate in continue without him, but she made him feel useful, showing him how he could still be a part of his old life, even if most sports were off the list. on days he felt like being silent, remembering how powerful he had felt when he threw down his crutches on the stage, unable to hear the crunching of his bones over the pounding in his ears, she was there, a book in hand, or knitting needles ready to show his shaking hands how to work in routine. he attended every rehearsal, always joking that he would bring his own chair, always clapping when it was over, bringing her yellow daisies because he knew she thought roses were overrated. when the first show since the incident ended, he greeted her backstage, bouquet gripped in his hands and cheeks hurting from smiling when she twirled on stage, she hugged him, not treating him like he was a porcelain doll like everyone else did, and he spent the evening telling her how amazing she was, her eyes sparkling more than stars in the sky, and when she leaned over, eyes closed, he touched her cheek and asked if she was sure, her smile brighter than anything he had ever seen while she assured him that she had never been so certain of anything in her life, fireworks exploding behind her eyelids when he finally kissed her.

so, yeah. happy endings all around.

 

except for jeremy.

he was the most alive he had ever been, surrounded by people who loved him, new friends who bonded over something no one could take away. the golden trio had a troll in the girl's bathroom, and they had squips in their bodies, voices in their heads. he had a dad who loved him more than anything, willing to become a better parent for him, willing to seek help for an divorce that would have torn him apart before, willing to be there when jeremy needed him. he had a best friend who he knew he could count on, just a phone call away, ready to play video games, ready to talk, ready with a bottle of mountain dew red for him, for all of them, a best friend who never had a squip, but still hurt as much as them, panic attacks in bathrooms when he felt useless, unhelpful, but still came along when jeremy went to see his therapist, and gripped his hand when jeremy convinced him that he should tell his moms that he needed therapy, too.

but he didn't have her.

and, no, he wants to make this explicitly clear: he didn't feel entitled to christine. he was grateful that she had forgiven him, that she was willing to be his friend, that she had even accepted his invitation to have lunch alone. she was the sun and they were all lucky to have her shine on their lives, bringing unending light when they were at their darkest. jeremy carried the guilt on his sleeve, next to his heart, of bringing the squip upon them, even when rich tried to insist it was his fault, because rich tried to stop it, even ended up covered in scars because of it, but jeremy had only seen her as his goal and hadn't cared who got hurt in the process. it was his fault that jake was in the wheelchair, that brooke held chloe's hand tightly in fear of her walking away with someone else, that michael had lost the only person in his life who cared about him besides his moms and dealer, that jenna’s hands shook when she was around him, the first person he had given a squip to, the one who had shaken the shoe box’s contents into a soda pitcher, her mind hacked away and insecurities exploited by someone she had considered a friend.

he didn’t feel like he deserved christine’s love beyond what she loved michael or brooke, but he wished she would look at him with the same light in her eyes as chloe stared at brooke with, or shy glances that brooke gave back. it was hard to be _just friends_ with someone you had held in your heart for so long, but he was willing to put up with it, because he cared about her, and treasured her friendship. so, no, he wasn’t bitter that she didn’t feel the same way, he was just… lonely?

he was happy to have so many people in his life, but… it was a lonely existence, wasn’t it?

okay, maybe he _was_ bitter. but it was expected, wasn’t it? he wanted her love, her attention, her hand in his, just, her. it made his blood boil when he saw her with jake, her smile shining brighter than anything he had ever seen, their fingers intertwined, the way he pressed kisses onto the back of her hand and gave her adoring looks, ones that jeremy wishes that he could give her instead of jake, but he knows it won’t happen.

it was starting to tear his old self down, and he wasn’t sure who he was becoming, who he would turn into if he kept up these bitter feelings towards his friends, who had put so much faith in him to get better. he hadn’t brought this up with his therapist, wanting to hide the ugly truth under his clothes, biting his tongue when they asked how he was feeling, but he knew that they knew, they could tell by the way his jaw locked when they brought up jake, by his averted gazes when they brought up the new relationship, by the way he smiled when christine was mentioned, his therapist wasn’t stupid, they knew that jeremy had unresolved feelings, but they never pushed, only gentle prodding when jeremy was feeling better, soft comments about jeremy reaching a healthy level of self love before trying to love someone else, but jeremy didn’t want to.

he felt bitter about being bitter, and eventually he couldn’t be around the happy couples for too long, preferring to spend time with his best friend, or with jenna, or rich, whoever wasn’t busy, claiming he wanted to avoid third- or fifth- wheeling, smiling along to their jokes, but he found his way to leave the situations when those weren’t enough excuses. he knew he deserved happiness, he knew that he had good qualities, and even though he had made mistakes in the past, he was still deserving of love, both platonic and romantic.

he couldn’t help but wonder, though, what jake had that he didn’t have? besides the obvious answer (appearance), which he understood in a way, but it wasn’t enough in his eyes. was it enough that jake apologized, to forgive him for wanting to just get into her pants?

no, he shouldn’t start thinking about jake like that, he knew how much jake cared for christine… he should’ve just started moving on after she started spending time in his hospital room, hands brushing together. but he didn’t, so now he had to face the consequences, the squip and all the trouble he brought and all he suffered because of it was in vain, because he had ended up in the same place he would’ve been if he hadn’t ever become acquainted with the squip, in a timeline without the squip, he would have ended up in the same place, hell maybe it would have been better, because he could have comforted christine after jake inevitably broke her heart.

whatever, he can’t be bothered by this, he shouldn’t be bothered by this. however great jake was, jeremy couldn’t see what pulled christine’s eyes to him, couldn’t see what was wrong with him, why christine couldn’t see past jake… to him? she should… she should’ve given a proper look, a trial, anything. she could’ve given him that lunch he had stressed over. but she hadn’t, and someday, he hoped, she would regret not giving him the chance.

 

so... yeah, happy endings? maybe not as much. jeremy wasn’t the only one who was miserable. well, just as miserable as jeremy, because on some level, they were all pretty miserable when they were alone.

 

michael had always known his feelings, he had never really been… anything less than open about his sexuality, his moms never pressured him to define what he was, but he had always known who he was, jumping around as a baby in his yellow onesies, the ones his moms had bought when they only received pink dresses from their families, not feeling that pink was a better color than yellow, the color of sunflowers, the bubbly giggles from michael and smiles from his moms as he picked the flowers at the store. the insistence on calling michael a name that he never felt belonged to him was ignored by his moms, who stood firmly against people who didn’t respect his pronouns, supporting him as he began transitioning, and wiggled their eyebrows in unison when they noticed him staring at other teenage boys. he had never been told to be quiet about himself, to not wear his heart on his sleeve, he grew up watching the perfect couple, not the ones who would smile all the time even in the middle of a fight, but a couple who acknowledged their differences and communicated, cooling off when fights got too heated, the ones who weren’t afraid to love each other through their bad days, who took michael out to the park, to the music store, to the museum, to the aquarium, when the other needed a day to herself. they encouraged him to express himself, to never be ashamed of who he was, to acknowledge his mistakes, to become better for it. they taught him to ignore the people who didn’t treat him the way he deserved to be treated, but when jeremy walked out of the bathroom _loser_ spilling out of his lips, he couldn’t remember what his moms taught him, couldn’t even remember his name, repeating it when it floated up, repeated where he was and what he was doing, trying to anchor himself. when he got home, he sat at the edge of the bed, tears dripping, and they pulled him on the bed, gently murmuring into his hair and he slept between them, feeling like a child again, but he breathed in the love they gave him and he found himself again, their sacrifices not in vain for his happiness.

but he listened to jeremy, listened to him talk about christine, listened to him wax poetry about the sunsets in her eyes, listened to him infect himself with poison as he tried to reason hatred for jake, listened to jeremy. but there reached a point when he got tired of ignoring his own feelings. jeremy had been one of the only people who cared about him, who knew his secrets, who went out of his way to correct people when they let the wrong name slip, when substitutes who didn’t know michael used the pronouns that michael had never gone by, jeremy had been there when michael needed him most. he had showed up outside michael’s window, eyes shining bright in the night, and when they laid on jeremy’s roof, stars in his eyes that stayed even when the sun rose up, and when they were in michael’s basement, jeremy talked about his hopes and dreams, and he made sure to never exclude michael, whispering _you’re part of my dreams, michael you’re in my future i know it_ , and he gave michael the soft smile that was clenched painfully in michael’s heart, burned on the inside of his eyelids, whispers on a loop when he was alone. it was difficult to separate his feelings, difficult to focus on what jeremy was saying when he could just stare at his lips instead, lazily saying _yeah i’m paying attention you’re talking about how lost you get in her eyes,_ and feeling his insides warm up when jeremy smiled and rolled his eyes.

but a part of him couldn’t forgive jeremy, couldn’t forget how easily jeremy had walked away, how he had upgraded, how he had been so willing to leave michael behind even when his squip wasn’t working. michael had his… moment in the bathroom, but he wouldn’t change who he was for anyone, even jeremy heere. he had never been the type of person who contorted into the molds of what people wanted, he wouldn’t bend to jeremy’s whims, wouldn’t be satisfied with the label of “jeremy’s best friend,” even if he loved being friends with jeremy, he had a bigger role in life, he had more to offer, more to become, and he didn’t want to be stuck in jeremy’s shadow, only to be used when _he_ found it convenient, and never listening to what michael felt.

 

when jeremy came over, michael didn’t take him down to the basement, he stayed by the door, face solemn when when jeremy tried to make a joke about feeling unwelcome. the smile began to drop and michael’s throat closed up on him.

“i’m in love with you, jeremy. you, useless bi, i’ve been in love with you for a long time, and you know what, jeremy heere. i’m tired. i’m a good person, and i deserve to be in love with someone who will be in love with me, too. i deserve to be in love with someone who doesn’t think about a girl who’s in a committed relationship with a good guy. i deserve to be best friends with someone who gives in what they take out. jeremy, i love you, man, but i don’t think you know a goddamn thing about what’s going on in my life.” jeremy stayed silent. michael ran his fingers through his hair and stared at the door.

“get out, jeremy.” there was no malice in his voice, only exhaustion. jeremy hesitated, but walked out, feeling more lost and alone than he’d ever been.

 

michael slid down the door, pressing his face into his hands, dry sobs sounding like laughter, maybe it _was_ laughter. his phone was in his hands, and he wasn’t aware he had dialed until he heard her pick up.

“michael? what’s wrong?” he let out a shaky breath.

“can i come over?”

“of course you can. do you want me to get out some ice cream.”

“that... that would be good, yeah.”

“okay, i’ll see you in a bit. drive safe, michael.”

“thanks, jenna.”

 

he had started to hang out with jenna when jeremy started writing sonnets over the christine’s hair, and she taught him how to live in silence, communicating with their eyebrows and vague gesturing, but when michael knocked on her door at four in the morning, she greeted him with open arms and told him that it was okay to be loud, and they drove out to the beach the next day and screamed at the waves then stayed in the water until they had pruned fingers and red skin. she listened, and when she felt her mind was too loud, she broke the silence. she ran her fingers through his hair and he learned how to braid for her, and when someone asked if they were dating, they looked over at each other and both couldn’t say more than _we’re gay best friends_. jeremy disappeared from his life for a bit, but jenna settled in michael’s heart comfortably, her head in his lap while they watched dumb shows and she threw popcorn upwards for him to catch, laughter bubbling out from a place in her heart that he knew was locked for most people. he felt honored to be able to hear it.

 

“wanna come over and play video games?” it felt… comforting to hear it, in jeremy’s opinion. video games were happy memories for him, and he knew that rich was feeling abandoned too, his best friend falling in love with christine, not enough time for rich, and they both had problems, rich on his skin, jake in his bones. it used to hurt, seeing rich, because he knew about the home situation for him, his alcoholic dad and meek mother, and he knew that it was difficult it would be to get rich out of the household. after a few weeks, rich stopped going back home when he slept over, so many of his belongings already at the heere household, and jeremy missed michael, but he didn’t have time to mourn, too busy trying to work out how to comfort rich after rich said “let’s just go home” and burst into tears at the concept of considering their house as his home. when his mom moved out, rich cried again, meeting with her and hugging her like he had never imagined seeing her again, which maybe he didn’t, and when she told him _it’s not a big apartment, but it could be ours, i could sleep on the couch,_ he shook his head and hugged her tightly. _i’m okay here, mom, i promise._

they saw each other, but rich settled into a place in jeremy’s life that he didn’t know rich could fit. sometimes their hands brushed together, and they both felt guilt for the lingering touches, but they didn’t acknowledge it. maybe someday they would.

 

but now, here they were, sitting across from jenna and michael, who looked pleased and annoyed respectively, clearly the meeting had been organized without michael being informed, but jenna and rich stepped away, _we’ll just go order food real quick,_ and they were alone. it had been a few months since they had talked, even seen each other, and it felt… it felt a lot like coming home. michael cleared his throat and offered up _you look good_ and jeremy wanted to cry. it felt so uncomfortable, how quickly michael had gone from his best friend to a stranger, how could he have changed anything, could he have done something, _anything_. they looked at each other and michael let out a soft laugh, jeremy cracking a smile.

it was almost as quickly how michael thawed, how his smile looked more natural, how he didn’t seem to rely on jeremy, presenting himself differently, less quiet, and when jenna and rich returned, he didn’t retreat into himself the way he used to with jeremy, but jenna encouraged the conversation and they steered it easily, jeremy watching in awe how they seemed to complete each other, the teasing, smiles, laughter, it all felt like warm honey. rich spoke softly to jeremy, trying to engage him, noticing how stiff he was, and eventually he was able to thaw, too, laughing along with them, and it all felt like this was what he was missing.

when jenna and rich went to pay (jeremy and michael were in charge of tipping), michael wiggled his eyebrows at him and mouthed _you and rich huh_ and jeremy envied how he handled it, remembering the bitterness infecting him when he found out about christine and jake, but michael looked at him without malice, only true and genuine happiness for jeremy, for his friend. he hugged michael when they were saying goodbye, and got a slow hug back, and one them whispered _i’ll text you, okay? let’s try to be better friends this time._

jenna also hugged jeremy, a smile on her face as she took michael’s hand and pulled him to her car, calling out _sorry guys, michael has someone at home waiting for him and i don’t think either of them wants to miss their date, i heard someone’s finally gonna pop the question and make their relationship official tonight!_ to which michael focused on her, reasonably. jenna’s laughter was cut off as they closed the car doors, but they could see michael sitting sideways in the passenger seat to face jenna, gesturing wildly as his cheeks turned red.

jeremy turned to rich, feeling his chest warm up as he followed rich’s gaze up to the sky.

“jeremy, i’m sorry if you weren’t ready to see him-” their palms were warm, fingers interlocking like they never allowed themselves to, a smile on jeremy’s face.

“the stars look really pretty tonight.”

**Author's Note:**

> i might fix the ending some other day, but as of right now, im tired of having it in my docs  
> i hope you like it uwu pls comment or kudos (ignore typos bc i dont edit or have a beta bc fuck you)


End file.
